


of men and vortex manipulators

by insignificantindifference



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Flirting, Gen, Jack meets River
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-02
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2017-12-22 05:29:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/909462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insignificantindifference/pseuds/insignificantindifference
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack looked to the Doctor. “So. Not a Pond?” He turned to River. “I’ve been told those are off limits,” he mocked.  </p><p>She rolled her eyes. “Oh, that’s neither here nor there. So, Jack Harkness. You seem like the type of man who knows how to work a vortex manipulator, huh?” </p><p>“No, River,” the Doctor whined, “I’m the type of man who knows how to work a vortex manipulator! Jack! Stop it!”<br/>------<br/>Lighthearted "Jack meets River/the Ponds" fic. Eleven/River at the core, with Jack flirting with everyone in between (much to the Doctor's chagrin). Floating timeline.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Redhead, Centurion, and a Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: Hello. It’s nice to be back. I’m sort of at this place where I’m back to writing and blogging and enjoying life on the Internet, and that has resulted in this fic. Now, this fic is unbeta’ed, unfinished, and pure crack, but it’s really just meant for your entertainment. A “Jack meets River” type of thing, with no real substance, but just enough to hold you over. It will have one more chapter, to be posted within the week. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> EDIT 10.30.2013: I apologize for not having updated this in the timeframe I said I would. I /am/ working on it, but life got in the way a little more than I planned it would. I /will/ post this, hopefully within the upcoming month, depending on how the end of the semester goes. Thank you for your patience.

Today was bad. Of course, when a day started out very not good then progressed with a certain redheaded someone ignoring social customs of a very, very strictly regulated alien society, the Doctor supposed the situation wasn’t very likely to _turn_ good either.

And when a day started off not good and reached a certain point where it certainly could _not_ get any worse, the universe reminded him that he, of course, was wrong.

A redhead, Centurion, and Doctor sitting in an alien jail cell may have sounded like a very bad joke, but instead it was currently a very bad reality. And, to make matters worse, said Doctor’s _wife_ was not being any help whatsoever.

“River! Stop laughing!” The Doctor whined, barely resisting the urge to stamp his foot childishly. “It really is not funny.”

“I beg to disagree, love,” River said breezily, casually leaning against the cell bars. “However _did_ you manage to get yourself into this situation?”

The Doctor turned a stony gaze to Amy. “Ask your mother.”

“Tsk, tsk, Doctor. Not even bothering to check timelines,” River admonished, raising an eyebrow. There was a subtle humor behind her words but a certain seriousness lay at the core. It was risky business, being in love with a time traveler, and it did them both well to remember it from time to time. He paled slightly, realizing his mistake. She took pity on him. “I tease, dear. I know who they are,” she said softly.

Relief flashed across his face briefly before his eyebrows furrowed as he remembered his anger. “Very well then. You are doing an _awful_ job of coming to the rescue. Are your escaping skills a bit rusty?”

She grinned at him. “Spoilers sweetie.”

A flash of smoke outside the cage startled him from the conversation with his wife.

“Jack?” He said uncertainly. “Oh for the love of – did she call _every_ body to come rescue me?” The Doctor mumbled, more to himself than to his audience. He glared at a point behind River and she noticed the slight shimmer behind her. She grinned, and murmured a welcome to the concealed TARDIS, amused by the fact that escape was so close and yet so far away for the Doctor.

Meanwhile, the stranger emerged from the smoke, revealing himself to be indeed none other than Jack Harkness – former Time Agent extraordinaire. He wafted smoke away from his face and smoothed his hair back out of habit. “The one and only,” he answered with his signature grin, nodding to Amy and Rory (who looked thoroughly confused at this point), and turning back to smile appreciatively at River. “I don’t believe we’ve met.”

“Oh, _hello_ sweetie.”

“River. RIVER. No. No flirting with Jack. Jack is off limits.”

She raised an eyebrow and flashed _Jack_ a smile, blatantly ignoring the Doctor. “So Jack’s the name, is it?”

Jack’s grin matched her own. “Captain Jack Harkness, the one and only.”

“Excuse me? Did you say _Captain_ Jack Harkness?” Amy piped up, curiosity piqued, unaware she was interrupting a moment.

He turned and gave a small bow. “At your service. Hello. You are?”

Amy smiled, “Amelia Pond. And this is Rory.”

“ _Your husband_ , Rory,” Rory clarified, glaring warily at Jack.

“It’s _very_ nice to meet you,” he said, in that sultry, sexy Captain Jack way. “Both of you,” he added with a wink.

“Oh no, no, no. The Ponds are off limits, Jack. Yes, that includes Rory. Jack! JACK!” When it became clear that his protests were going unheeded, the Doctor slumped sullenly against the wall of the cell, watching gloomily as Jack’s gaze returned to River once more.

River unabashedly let her gaze wander down Jack’s body, stopping again at his face. “River. River Song.” She reached out to take his hand and he obliged, taking the time to let his own eyes wander.

Jack looked to the Doctor. “So. Not a Pond?” He turned to River. “I’ve been told those are _off limits_ ,” he mocked. 

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, that’s neither here nor there. So, Jack Harkness. You seem like the type of man who knows how to work a vortex manipulator, huh?”

“No, River,” the Doctor whined, “ _I’m_ the type of man who knows how to work a vortex manipulator! Jack! _Stop_ it!”

Rory looked at Amy in confusion. “Is that a sex thing? Is he talking about sex things with our daughter?”

Amy looked just as confused. “I…am not entirely sure.”

Jack ignored the chaos around him and held up his wrist, “Why yes, Miss Song, yes I am.”

“Not my _wife,_ Jack!” The Doctor finally shouted, exasperated. “Not _Miss_ Song, _Mrs._ Song. As in Mrs. _She’s-My-Wife_ Song.”

Jack’s eyebrows raised in surprise, though he continued on, unfazed. “Well, things just got a lot more interesting.”

River threw her head back and laughed, walking towards Jack and looping her arm through his, resting her hand casually on his vortex manipulator. “Oh, relax, Doctor. It’s all in good fun.”

The Doctor crossed his arms. “My _dear_ ,” he said patronizingly, “you and Jack’s definitions of fun are hardly the same as mine.”

“I don’t have an earthly clue what you’re talking about,” River said breezily, securing her gun in its holster, and tossing his sonic screwdriver back at him. “Nicked this for you from the guards,” she said with a wink before nodding up at Jack. “Now, Jack and I are going to visit a lovely 42nd century archaeological dig, since you seem too busy convincing the Judoon that Mother’s red hair is not a sign of madness, though, sorry Mum, some may be inclined to disagree.”

Rory took pity on Jack, who was trying to tactfully cover his confusion. “We’re River’s parents,” he confirmed, nodding to his wife. “Redhead, Roman, the works.”

Jack inclined his head, “The Last Centurion.” He seemed enough so impressed, which satisfied Rory. “I almost met you once. Shame I didn’t.” He wiggled the hand with the vortex manipulator. “Former Time Agent,” he said by way of explanation. 

“Rory! You can’t be okay with this! You’re letting your daughter off with _Jack!_ ” The Doctor was still pouting.

River blew him a kiss as they disappeared with a ‘pop’.

“This is awful.” The Doctor said, determined to sulk. “You let your _daughter_ off with _Jack._ ” He sighed and turned to the doors of the cell, pointing his sonic at them halfheartedly and forcing them to open.

“You know what’s worse?” Amy asked, eyebrow raised. “You let your _wife_ off with Jack.” She glided past him towards the doors of the TARDIS, which opened underneath her touch. “Now please. Let’s go to this archaeological dig and leave this planet before they quite literally have my head.”

 

 


	2. An Archaeologist and a Doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you all for your kudos and comments and your support for this story. I haven't written anything in a long time, and it's so nice to be back in the game. Here's the second, and final, chapter of this. Much later than I first intended, but life got in the way a bit, though now with my first college semester slowing down I have more time to write. I appreciate any comments you leave -- constructive criticism is welcome. It's been fun writing a light-hearted (borderline crack!fic) story, and I hope I got the characterization okay! Thank you very much for reading, and have a wonderful holiday season!

“I don’t think this qualifies as ‘helping’, Doctor,” Rory pointed out as he, Amy, and the Doctor stood by the TARDIS, watching Jack and River crouched down in the dirt, making small talk and carefully excavating the packed, red earth.

“ _Marry the archaeologist,_ they said. _It’ll be fun,_ they said. Hmf.” The Doctor seemed to be ignoring Rory and speaking to himself. He barely noticed as Amy rolled her eyes and grabbed Rory’s arm, gently pulling her husband towards the two and letting the Doctor to his own devices.

The Doctor turned and looked up at the TARDIS, frowning. “Don’t _laugh._ It’s rude. What is it with you women and laughing at me?” He crossed his arms, “it’s very unbecoming.”

“Darling. Did you come here to sulk, or to help?” River called over, standing next to the still crouching Jack with her hands on her hips. “You’ve been standing there for quite some time.” She had that stupid River Smirk on her face and he frowned again.

“Actually, River, I came to make sure you didn’t run off with _Jack_ here,” the Doctor clarified as he approached River, arms crossed. “He has a habit of doing that.”

“Oi! I can hear you!”

“Never mind him, dear,” River whispered loudly to Jack, who looked a little offended. “Archaeological digs make him a bit disagreeable.”

“They do not!”

Amy laughed. “Doctor.  I haven’t seen you this upset since the woman on Rydon 3 said that fezzes were out of style.”

“Because that was preposterous. As is this.” He nodded towards Jack and River, who had, once again, wandered off further down the dig site and were talking animatedly about something _historical._ “Look at how _cozy_ they’re being. She doesn’t talk to _me_ about things like that!”

“Maybe it’s because you don’t let her. Have you ever thought of that, Raggedy Man?” Amy asked, maternal instinct making the nickname not all that friendly any more.

“Whenever you hear anything historical come out of her mouth you proceed to tell her how wrong she is and that you were there and ‘what kind of natives are they if they can’t keep basic accurate records’,” Rory amended, mimicking the Doctor.

“Rory Williams whose side are you _on_?” He said with an exasperated sigh.

“The wife’s – ”

“—As he should be,” Amy said with a nod. She squinted and raised a hand to block out the bright, alien sun. “But you are right, Doctor. They’re getting awfully cozy. We’re going to go over there. You stay and sulk.”

“I am _not_ sulking!”

Alas, the Doctor did proceed to sulk – the only way he knew how, by slumping against the TARDIS and throwing pebbles into the distance and watching them hit the stretch of red earth in front of him. He didn’t notice the time passing by, but when he heard someone clear their throat he glanced up, and saw his wife standing against a desert sunset. The red of the earth and the red of the sky illuminated the curls framing her face, and she raised an eyebrow pointedly, calmly, reflecting the warmth of the fire she reflected.

He smiled sheepishly. “Hello, dear.”

“Hello.” She stepped in front of him, grasping his hands and gently taking the small group of pebbles from him, and setting them at her feet. “Jack and Mum and Dad went to go find something to eat – I told them I’d catch up after I came to find you.”

“Hm,” he said disapprovingly.

“Sweetie, you aren’t actually bothered by Jack, are you?” She asked incredulously, dropping his hands and placing hers on her hips.

It was his turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Oh, Sweetieeeee, you know I only have eyes for you.”

“River. I guarantee you your eyes were not what Jack was interested in,” he pouted like a small child, and just barely resisted sticking out his lower lip.

“Doctor, don’t be silly. Jack, let’s just say, isn’t my type.”

“River! You have a type? You can’t have a type!” This time he _did_ stick his lip out in a pout. “I thought _I_ was your type.”  

“Oh you are, of course you are,” she crooned, stroking his cheek and letting her hands roam lower until she found his. “All 11 of your faces are my type.”

“I am handsome, aren’t I?” He said smugly, squeezing her hands in his.

“The most,” she said with a soft grin. “Now, husband. What say you we get out of here?”

 “What, and leave your parents with Jack?” He asked, eyebrow raised.

“Yes.”

He grinned. “Oh, my bad girl.”

“But always yours.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> ***edit: It didn't occur to me until later that River pretty much /always/ knew that the Ponds were her parents, thereby making a little snippet of dialogue in this fic make no sense. However. I like the line a lot, so it's going to stay. Chances are most people didn't even notice it because of all the sassy Jack/River interaction, but if you did, I apologize, and kudos to you for catching the detail.


End file.
